Sunday, March 2, 2014

In Which I Comment on the Oscar Noms (Without Having Actually Seen Them)

This is the seventh and last of my 7 in 7 posts. I did it! Hooray! Now I can go back to posting every 11 days like I usually do.


Back in my younger, very NOT wild days, I considered myself to be quite the film buff. During my junior year of college I made a goal to watch all of the movies that had ever won the "Best Picture" Academy Award. Every Friday afternoon after class I would walk to the video store, load up on classic movies, and hog the apartment tv for the rest of the weekend. Best roomie ever.

I also made a point to watch all of the films nominated for the "Best Picture" award before Oscar night so I could engage in well-informed smartassery about the choices made by the Academy.

I did eventually finish my "watch all the previous winners" project about four or five years ago...but jobs and kids and moving from the apartment that had a theater right down the street severely impacted my "watch all the nominated films every year" project. I would always put in an effort to watch a few...but you know how it goes.

So a few days ago I realized that this year's Oscars are THIS Sunday, as in TODAY, and I had no idea which movies were nominated. A quick google search revealed that I had seen exactly none of them, and not only that, but I hadn't even heard of most of them. Things aren't looking good for our hero.

But I am still going engage in smartassery; it just won't be of the well-informed variety.

1. American Buyers Club. I mean Dallas Hustle. Besides retro facial hair and taking place outside of the law, these two movies have nothing in common...but I still have a hard time keeping track of which one is about con artists and which is about illegal AIDS drug therapies.

2. Captain Phillips

I hate boats in real life. I get horribly, tragically sea sick. But I do love nautical stories, so I am willing to give this one a go. I heard really good things about it. It DOES break the rule I made up that Hollywood must wait a minimum of 10 years before turning an event into a movie (the events that inspired this movie took place in 2009), but perhaps I will let it slide.

4. Gravity
This one is directed by Alfonso Cuaron, whose other work includes the best Harry Potter movie (Prisoner of Azkaban, obviously. Don't argue with me). However  I am going to give it a resounding "nope".
It could very well be a great movie, but contemplating death while floating, untethered, through space is pretty much my worst nightmare.

5. Her

It's a little hard to get past this...

..but a "science fiction romantic drama film" about a guy that falls in love with a computer program? Sure. Why the heck not.

6. Philomena
I love me some Dame Judy Dench. I want to be just like her when I grow up. Unfortunately, closer investigation reveals that this movie features stereotypically cruel nuns. Total strangers will tell me all about their bad experiences with nuns FOR FREE. All I have to do is mention that I'm Catholic. I hate to sound snotty, but I seriously hear these types of things SO OFTEN that it is the absolute last thing I would seek out in my free time.

7.  Nebraska

IMDB says "An aging, booze-addled father makes the trip from Montana to Nebraska with his estranged son in order to claim a million-dollar Mega Sweepstakes Marketing prize."

Could be great. Could be really, really terrible.  I do actually want to see this one just to find out which it is.

8. 12 Years a Slave

Historical = 1 point
Based on a memoir = 1 point
Features a fellow fiddle player = 1 point

Brad Pitt = 1/2 point
Benedict Cumberbatch = 5 point
Paul Giamatti = 10 points (how great was he on the season finale of Downton? He saved the series for me.) 

I hate to call it before I've seen it, but this could easily be the best movie ever.

9. The Wolf of Wall Street
This movie features securities fraud (yawn) and an extremely promiscuous lifestyle (blehhhh). Wikipedia has informed me that Kyle Chandler is in it, but with all due respect to Coach, even his presence isn't enough to make me pay $1.29 to get this from Redbox.

Ok, I have officially spent too much time on a post that is about nothing at all.

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  1. 12 Years a Slave is up
    For Best Director, and it was directed by Steve McQueen, who happens to be dyslexic. One of my favorite people is dyslexic, so my Academy vote goes to 12 Years a Slave.

    1. I didn't know that. How cool! Five extra points to 12 Years a Slave!

  2. Love love love! Hilarious. End scene.

  3. Love love love! Hilarious. End scene.