Thursday, June 25, 2015

Gift of Gab #2

I was going to write something pithy to introduce this quarter's round of toddler quotes, but I can hear Ender waking up from a lovely 40-minute nap, so...

They're growing up so quickly, blahblahblah and PUBLISH. Like a boss.

CJ: Mom! Someone wrote in this book!
Me: Oh? Who do you think it was?
CJ: Um, it was a bad guy.


While getting undressed for bed...
CJ: (points, aghast) What's that?!
He has been so busy unraveling the mysteries of the universe since he was born that it had apparently escaped his notice that he owns a pair of nipples.


(CJ has recently been learning to count in different languages. To understand this story you need to know that the German word for six is "sechs".)

While I was watching the morning show, the ticker at the bottom of the screen showed a headline relating to same-sex marriage... 
CJ:  (sounding out the word "sex") Seeex. Hm, Sechs! Sieben! Acht! Neun! Zehn! Yay!


CJ: What's for dinner?
Me: Chicken Tikka Masala
CJ (Looking at me incredulously): Ummm...that's a made-up word.

Fun in the mini-mudroom.

 While working on a number puzzle together...
Noni: Ere's zero? 
CJ: Here you go
Noni: Fank you, sweetie.

While overhearing the episode of Futurama that Nemo was watching on his tablet while feeding Ender in the nursery...
CJ: Mommy!!! Ender's talking!!!


CJ: Mom, I'm taking off my shirt.
Me: Why?
CJ: Because I can.

CJ: Mommy, I'm having six communions for lunch!

CJ: What do I get for dinner?
Me: An enchilada.
CJ: What's a poop-a-lotta?


While "helping" Nemo make bread...
Nemo: First we need the yeast.
CJ: What's yeast? I haven't ever heard of that.
Nemo: It's a microorganism that makes the bread grow big.
Noni: Mmmm....Yeaster....I wike eat dem bunny.

 She also likes to eat ink, apparently.


When I explained that the reason McQueen's tires blew out was because race cars go very fast and the tires wore out...
CJ: this car very fast? (patting the trusty ole minivan that he had just exited).
Me: Nope.


CJ: Daddyyyyy! An ant!!!
Nemo: squash
CJ (bursting into tears): Noooo! I wanted him to stayyyyy!!!

 I have to keep reminding him (and myself) that being threealmostfour is hard. It gets better, kiddo. Really.

After what seemd like hours of non-stop sqabbling...
Brief stunned silence.
Noni: Hey, I not Pete, I Noni!!!


Relating his version of Ender's birth story to a rather stunned Seminarian...
CJ: I'm CJ. This is our Baby Ender. She used to be in my Mommy's tummy, but then MeMe took me to Legacy Academy and Mommy's tummy squeezed and squeezed and SQUEEZED Ender out!!!

At least he wasn't relating the sordid details of Pride & Prejudice-based romance novels.

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Postscript: There's more Humblebee on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Hope to see you there! Especially on Instagram. I love Instagram.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Answer Me This

Linking up with Kendra of Catholic All Year for this week's edition of Answer Me This.

1. Any big plans for the summer?
We are hoping to take the RV out for one more overnight trip this summer to give us a little more practice with the whole process...we have a longer trip coming up in the fall and we would really like for the kids to know how to go to sleep at a reasonable hour! There are SO MANY state parks within an hour of us, so we have a lot to choose from!

We've also got a birthday and a baptism coming up this month, so things are going to be rather busy around here.

2. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?
When I was growing up our family car was a 1987 Ford Crown Victoria Station Wagon. She was a beaut--and when I got my driver's license it became my personal vehicle, which caused my friends to dub me "The Skipper". Because it was a boat. Har har.

Anyhoo, as young children my older sister and I sat in the back "jump seats". Have you ever sat in jump seats? It's kind of hard to explain...There are two bench seats facing each other, perpendicular to the tailgate, and at the end of each bench was a speaker. My sister and I spent many a long car trip sitting back there, rocking out to some Psalty the Singing Songbook. Because of the shape and size of the area, it MADE SENSE that there were people lying down behind the walls of the station wagon, their mouths right up next to the speakers, who existed solely for the purpose of singing praise tunes to me and my siblings.

Do you know how I rationalized this whole setup? They didn't care about being imprisoned thusly because they were dead. DEAD PEOPLE. LIVING IN MY STATION WAGON. PRAISING JESUS. Just in case you're having a hard time picturing this, here's a hastily-drawn schematic.

3. What is your favorite amusement park ride?
I've really WANTED to like riding roller coasters my whole life, especially since Nemo is a fan...but I just don't. 

4. What's on your summer reading list?
This are way too crazy right now to have an actual list that I have an actual chance of checking things off of, but I do have  couple of very incongruous memoirs on my bedside table right now.

Fun fact: A family member of mine went to high school with Bruce Campbell. She reports that he was "just a guy". Oh, and he was friends with that other guy who also went to Hollywood. You know, Sam Raimi.

5. Have you ever fallen asleep in public?
When I was in college I minored in napping. And I was awesome at it. I've probably be asleep in public in all the buildings on campus. Arrived five minutes early for a class? No problem. I would lie down in the hallway, snuggle up to my backpack full of textbooks, and catch those five Zs like a boss. As you may imagine, I was also one of those people who wore pajama pants to class.

6. What is your favorite smell?
Anything that I'm not cooking.

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Postscript: There's more Humblebee on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Hope to see you there! Especially on Instagram. I love Instagram.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Can I Ask You a Question?

I've heard tell that three is the age of questions and as CJ approaches his fourth birthday I can definitely say...yep. His favorite kinds of questions these days are 1) questions he already knows the answer to and 2) questions that have obvious answers. He's also very into temperatures and money.

This past Saturday I thought it would be fun to jot down all the questions CJ asked me over the course of the day. What was I thinking? It was a fairly "light" question day, and even so I was only able to jot down about 1/3 of them. And that's a generous estimate.

After breakfast...
Does the clock say 7:46?
I don't know, does it?

Can I write?
No, not until I'm finished doing the dishes.

Are there still more dishes to do?
Are there STILL more dishes to do?
Are there STILL MORE dishes to do?

How many degrees is it?
Is it 59 degrees?

When is my baptism day?

How many days does August have?
CJ: Hmm...31...or 30?

I finally get out paper and pens so he can write.
Here's your invitation. Can you take it?

Can you take this invitation I made you?

My invitation to the number ball.
Mom can you get my red pen?

Hey mom, can I have more rectangle paper?

What time is it?
Why don't you look at the clock?
CJ: I think it's 8:30
OMG it's only 8:30???

What is 17 degrees? Hot or cold?

Why is my underwear downside-up?
Well gosh I don't know.
Can you turn it the right way?
I guess.

I get the baby down for a nap and take the kids to the gym, where I work out (briefly) and take a long luxurious shower while no one questions me.

Leaving the gym...
Are we going to the gym?
No we just left t he gym
Did we just go to the gym?

Can you turn down the air conditioner?

I turn on the dvd of "Cars" to get a few more moments of silence.

Where's Mater going?
Can you turn it off now?

Home again...
When is Ender's baptism?

What's a three-to-four circle?
A what?
(after much questioning we discovered he meant a 3/4 circle)

What's "ohgglah"?
A what?
Again, much questioning revealed he wanted to know the origin of "O'clock"

While blowing bubbles on the deck...
Can you blow bubbles by me?
No, you're too far away.
Is this close enough?
Is THIS close enough?

He sees me writing down the previous question...
What are you doing? Are you writing? Can I write?

So I go inside briefly and return bearing the sidewalk chalk...
Do you have more sidewalk chalk?
What's a dime?
What's a dollar?
What's 10 dollars? 1000 cents???
Ummm...yes? I think? Yes.

As I'm browning some breakfast sausage for the next day's breakfast...
Can I see? Can I have some?
What are you making? Are you making rawed eggs? What's rawed eggs? Can I have some?
What's 37 + 30?

When the little girls are napping I take CJ out to run errands...
Where are we going?
What's my armpit? Is this my armpit?
Where's Target? Is it up there?
Can I sit in the cart?
Are you wearing "Flip or Flops"?
Can I have a cookie?
Can I have ANOTHER cookie?

CJ, when we get home it's going to be time for your rest.
CJ: What's "rest"?

What indeed.

And at that point I said to heck with it.

He asks a lot of questions, y'all.

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Postscript: There's more Humblebee on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Hope to see you there! Especially on Instagram. I love Instagram.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Motherhood: This Isn't a Test

When I was a mother of one or two I looked up to mothers of three or more children. I thought they had motherhood figured out, and I really looked forward to joining their ranks because I am a teacher's pet who loves to know everything.

 Now I am a mother of three and I was disappointed to discover that I didn't get a free download of the motherhood guidebook when I pushed Ender out.

What do you mean, "that isn't a thing"?

What do you mean, "I'll never have it all figured out"?!?!

Excuse me, I have to go do some Lamaze breathing. Hoo hee hoo hee hoo....

I'm back.

Ok, so NO ONE has perfected the art of parenting, and if they say they do then they are either lying or in for a bit of a shock. Sorry, internet trolls trying to tell me my business. I'll try not to laugh too hard when you fall in a giant life pothole.

Even when you've been a parent for a while, walking into the room to discover that your two toddlers ripped up three pounds of play-dough into teeny tiny pieces and threw the resultant confetti all over the kitchen will still make your brain go, *ping*.

When your oldest is suddenly terrified of the very tame PBS show "The Odd Squad", you won't know what to do because he's the oldest and you've never had to deal with this kind of thing before!

When you're previously superstar napper newborn suddenly STOPS, you will never know why because she's a baby and trying to understand why babies do the things they do is a colossal waste of energy and will drive you batshit crazy. If I could give new moms one piece of advice, that would be it. Don't try to find out why; just deal with it and move on.

Eight weeks into this mother-of-three gig, I've discovered that the reason "seasoned" moms seem to know everything is because

They've learned to roll with the punches.

They've learned to let their kids surprise them.

They've learned that each of their kids needs to be parented differently.

They've learned not to have a "bad day" just because the morning was bad. Even if the afternoon and evening are bad too.

They've learned to let their world be a little crazy sometimes so they don't lose their minds trying to bring order to chaos.

They've learned to allow motherhood to change them.

They've learned to find a little joy in each day.

So I'm throwing away my notes.

Yes, I literally used to keep notes. There might have been graphs involved.

This isn't a test I can Ace.

But I can still win if I play it cool.

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Postscript: There's more Humblebee on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Hope to see you there! Especially on Instagram. I love Instagram.